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I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
If you’ve been married for more 7 years or more, there is a good chance that one of you has said this at one time or another. Honestly, if you have not said it, there are 3 chances in 4 that one of you has certainly FELT it.
It is a depressing feeling but fortunately this feeling can be controlled, diminished and even eliminated from your heart! It takes some consistent work, but after you apply the principles you’ll read below, the “work” will seem more like play…every day!
My dad told me that you would fall in and out of love several times throughout my marriage. For many people, falling “out” of love is a signal to get out of the marriage. It doesn’t have to be that way. Let’s examine the different stages of love:
- Puppy love: You can’t keep your hands off of each other. You think about each other constantly and your feelings of lust, love, and connection are so powerful, no forces in the universe could change those feelings. (Teenagers and newlyweds have these feelings fresh in their minds)
- Commitment: When the vows are taken and/or kids come along, many couples see their relationship as an intangible bond where the feelings are second to the commitment. A couple’s commitment to raising a family often takes priority over the love and connection a couple has. (Dangerous times, here)
- Midlife Reflection: As the kids grow up a couple now has more of the time they had before children. Here is where 3 paths present themselves to couples. If they’ve had a healthy relationship, they may find MORE activities to share and create some new memories with each other. The second path is they’ve grown apart and can’t reconnect. With over 50% of couples divorcing in the USA, the largest demographic is at midlife. The third path is one of indifference. Of the OTHER 50% (non-divorcing couples) over half of THEM are indifferent, bored, having affairs, or have resigned themselves to this new, humdrum life.
If a couple can navigate these turbulent and emotionally challenging times, they have a chance to enjoy a spiritual love that is boundless, free, and eternal. This intangible connection occurs when you cannot live without the other person is the type of deep friendship you see when a couple in their 70’s is strolling down the park, holding hands.
If you or your spouse has thought or said, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” your mission is to NOT take it personally. The proper response is not to blame, but to take this opportunity to INCREASE your communication in a non-judgmental fashion. You can restore the intimacy and chemistry again. It just looks like work initially. After a few days or weeks, it’ll be FUN!
Here is the magic recipe to restoring a connection with your spouse: Start with a 1/2 cup of psychology, 2 teaspoons of empathy, a cup of creativity, and a dash of courage.
1. Psychology: Understanding love and “in love” and developing a plan to bring those two ideas together is step one. The more you understand how your spouse thinks (Men really are from Mars and women are from Venus) the easier it will be to connect with him/her. Men have thought that women are complicated. They really aren’t complicated; it’s just that our framework for communication and love is different from them. Women crave security-men crave adventure. Women are built for sex and breeding. Men are built for war and conquest. Of course, we have evolved and developed BEYOND those characteristics, but the foundation and our very DNA is designed for women to raise breed and raise the children and men are designed to provide for the family (Otherwise men would be able to breast feed, too).
2. Empathy: While empathy is an emotion normally reserved for grieving people, using it as a connection tool can easily restore the intimacy with a couple. The more you empathize with your spouse, the more you manifest some very important qualities. Opening up YOUR heart to his/her desires, pains, frustrations and needs creates a reaction in the other person. When you open up to another person-Shazam! They do the same for you! It must be sincere and you must listen more than you talk. That is empathy. It can bring you together emotionally and can translate into more intimacy and a healthier sex life.
3. Creativity: Just because you KNOW how to give her an orgasm, doesn’t mean you should only do it a certain way each time. Human beings crave new variety. Your journey to a higher level of intimacy can be just as exciting as the goal (Sometimes MORE exciting!). Therefore, your homework is to watch a pornographic movie together, break out the sex toys and play. You may create an embarrassing moment or two; so what! You’ve been married for a while; you’ve seen each other naked for years. What’s wrong with spilling the chocolate sauce on her navel, only to realize in the dim lights that it is salsa? Get out the chips and have a party!
4. Courage: Naturally, when a couple has said or thought “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and realizes their relationship is sliding downhill; ignoring it won’t make it better. Having the courage to talk openly and honestly about their needs and fears can create a NEW intimacy that most people just don’t do. It takes courage to open up (especially for men) but once you do, you’ll start to experience a new and STRONGER connection than you’ve had previously.
It may hurt to experiment with that dominatrix kit you her got for Valentine’s Day, but it never hurts to talk about your relationship as long as you are open, honest and don’t take any of your spouse’s thoughts personally. Remember, if you aren’t happy, chances are neither is your spouse. If you want to change your situation and be in love again, you have to change your beliefs, activity and attitude.
Creating a steamy sex life isn’t easy after decades of marriage, but it can certainly be a whole lot of FUN! Preview my blog or book and see how fast you can restore the intimacy you once had and having the most incredible sex life imaginable!
About the Author
Doug has had more ups and downs than your typical midlife crisis guy. After building and losing a business he had for 20 years, raising 3 kids during a separation, and saving an “hopeless” marriage, Doug has unlocked the TRUE secrets to love and sex in marriage. His book, “Make Your Wife Hot” is changing lives and attitudes of couples all over the world.
His website and blog can be found at http://makeyourwifehot.com/bragblog
QtCreator : initiation et découverte
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